Like a cuddly bear trap

It takes an immense amount of strength to be vulnerable. And don't you let anybody manipulate you into thinking otherwise because they lacked the faith you had. Connection is built on communication not distance. Don't suffer over other people's inability to understand themselves especially when they blame you for their own inner workings. It's not your fault. You did everything you could, don't let them do anything else to you because it did nothing but brought fear, doubt, and shatter your hopes and dreams. Continue being the change you need for yourself not for anyone else. Someone will be on the same path as you and when you finally meet, you'll realize why it never worked out with anyone else before.


The part that hurts the most isn't where you leave me hanging on by a thread above my head. It isn't when your energy levels deplete just at the thought of me like a dying battery needing a change. It isn't when you withhold what you feel I deserve like a reward and punishment system of sorts for what I'm worth. It isn't how you withdraw into an abysmal void as I desperately try to catch you, while you slip like sand through my fingers. The part that hurts the most is I don't think you even know I know

End scene.

Thank you for showing me what I am capable of without you. By leaving me in the dust, I never knew where I would've ended up. I cannot lose faith just because you lacked the courage to face your fears. I will still search for love where it's most needed and that begins with me and ends with you.

Misery loves company

And so I turtle within myself. Since turning 29, ironically with a celebration to kick off the last year of my 20s', I've never felt so old and resort to petty tactics to push those away who have come too close. Why do I always end up here? No matter how many times I've gone through it. My mind has been more fragmented than ever, so let's just recap my bday, since it's one for the books:

- The guy I'm seeing had a lot of academic obligations and in attending my bday party, increased his workload
+ my friends got to meet the person I'm seeing (well, I'm not sure how we are now and I hate to admit I probably already lost him as I'm typing this since we had an ugly argument that blew way out of proportion yesterday, more on this later)
+/- celebrated my bday for the first time since I was 6 years old (tbh, I never do because it reminds me how few friends I really have)
+ meet some new friends
+ ended up loaded as fuck
- no M was avail, but apparently shrooms were kickin' around
- winter tried to ruin the party, but I'm glad to see a few of my friends make it out
+/- turning 29 has been interesting so far. I mean for the last decade, I haven't felt any different, but I'm feeling the change for sure
+ got a few gifts from Reiko & Ron
+ Vic, Annie, and Quinn brought me a bday cake
+ made out in a cubbyhole with him. Felt all young again!
- he passed out in the hallway and missed the rest of the party. I kept going back to check in on him and though, I was worried he looked so precious
+ scored a bed for me, him, and my good friend, B in a guest room downstairs with a KING-SIZE bed where we all became a cuddle puddle <3
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I'm tired of living like a turtle, with my head half-out. How can I tell if the fear propels me beyond heights this shell could contain.. Until then, do I watch the weather change

(no subject)

Why do I want to get to know trouble when it's only the devil in disguise with a halo. As above, so below we've paid the price to sell our soul. The circle never closes to meet you and I's demise. So we keep on tracing until we decide to colour outside the lines. To a void in your voice, where a lull can be found in the sound, but the noise can't be heard, and the words never served, falling on deaf ears, between the space where there is no love lost in the first place.

My Open Letter to You

I wanted to give you an opportunity for further explanation, but it seems you've sought to end all means of communication and contact with me. Furthermore, you've involved others that had nothing to do with the matter at hand.

Despite all this, I wanted to let you know that I am sorry for how this is affecting you. I am, however, not apologizing for stating what I feel and I shouldn't have to. Being friends the last 8 years, I trust you understand this. It's unfortunate what became of this, though you made it more than it had to be. I'm also sorry you think I'm this toxic person that you rid of like a disease. Your reasons for reaching this conclusion after what we've both been through during our friendship has left me with nothing but questions I have no answers for.

After all that's been said and done, I am truly disappointed to lose you as a friend the way it happened, but as I have said before, it only tells me what I need to know. You deserve to know I can't carry on a friendship where trust has been misled through miscommunication. If I can't even talk to my friend about a serious matter that has been bothering me for over a year without her victimizing herself for it and making it solely about her, there is no point. The way you've been coping with this was worse than I imagined. It's as if I'm your sworn enemy for speaking up finally. That to me is toxic. Friends shouldn't be afraid to speak their minds ever. If this is how things are, let my actions speak for themselves, as actions always speak louder than words.

Take care,

(no subject)

Time is pressing and I become more immobile as each hour nears. I wait for what seems like seconds, yet months have gone by and I'm not even having fun, so where does the time go? Wasted. It's like I'm waiting to die, but I yearn to be more alive and in that pursuit alone, it leaves me feeling more dead than before. I thought as long as you were chasing something, it would make you happy, but unless you know what you're chasing, you're just running in circles. It's not how fast you go, as long as you never stop. Well, I've got a lot of running to do. Hell, let's start with walking.

It's just been over a year now with the guy I'm with and let's just say, I'm astonished really at the fact that I wasn't able to hold down a job whatsoever, but somehow maintain a relationship for that amount of time. It's startling really. I'm amazed we're still trekking on. I haven't had a full-time relationship since forever ago and was starting to wonder if I should start investing in cats.

So after 27 years, I've come to a conclusion that a lot of my own downfall in relationships, in life, and just in general is not being able to accept things at face value. I always feel there's more than meets the eye when sometimes, things just are as they are. It is what it is, but is it? Maybe I have a hard time accepting things as they are because I know for myself, there's a lot of concealment.. not because I'm afraid or fear what others think, but instead it's a protective measure for me to gauge my bearings or where things are in relation to me. I realize people all have their own versions which they present to people, as do I no matter how direct I appear. Knowing this, I'm always digging deeper than the surface to see what's underneath the challenge and if you don't know your territory, it can be dangerous, but maybe I want to know what makes people tick because inadvertently that helps me learn what makes ME tick and that's one sure way of finding out.

You know, I thought I had a lot to say a moment ago before I began writing this, but as you can see, not much is new. I love how that happens.. ideas evaporating into thin air to become nothing more than what it was.