Eni never wanted to admit that she was addicted to feeling this way, but there was no other explanation fathomable.
If I could just cry right now, it'd be a lot easier, she thought to herself. But it just gets enveloped like an unread letter waiting to be delivered. Her eyes burned from the tears welling up, she forced herself to let them go, but they refused to budge in the presence of Alan. She was resistant to the idea that it would make her feel better anyway. In fear that Alan would notice, she avoided not just eye contact, but all physical contact by withdrawing in the confines of her mind. Attempting to distract herself, she surveys the room for something to fix her attention to, but him. Only that drew more attention to herself in a way that was not wanted.
"How are you feeling?" Alan asked Eni, as she takes a deep breath inward that imploded her heart. He was serene and calm, like he always was, his strawberry blonde locks framing his face. They've only known each other for a short time, but she has shared more with him than anybody else that she's been with for longer periods of time.
Unsure of how to answer the question, she went through the default motions most people would by responding, "Okay..." though she knew that was far from the truth.
"Just okay?" he pressed.
"YES!" she immediately answered, startled at his reaction. Please change the subject now, she closed her eyes and thought loudly to herself.
Alan and her just finished coitus and though, good as it may be, it could have been better had Eni just let go of her inhibitions. Perhaps, she was used to being fucked, but not making love. And she feared the intimacy so much, she had to cling onto her isolation with fervour, as a way to comfort herself when feeling impeded to explain what was on her mind. The awareness that something inside her resisting to let go grows larger with the dawn of a new day. Like the rising sun and moon, her emotions, too, follow suit. Her ideals were bright as the sun, but her dreams die with the dark side of the moon. Feeling as such, was how she felt in control, all at the same while, completely helpless, but that kept her sane and even more insane.
Thoughts from all directions come racing at once to her head, as if to compete against each other. The winner of thoughts always emerges in a form of a worse case scenario pictured by herself. It was a method, which was most familiar to Eni and dominates her moods.
A slave to my thoughts and a bitch to my emotions. What the fuck is wrong with you? Isn't this what you wanted in that someone who's there for you? The reassurance that they care. Hasn't he checked in enough with you? You're not a baby. Pick yourself up.
Eni picks up her phone to keep her hands busy, so she wasn't blankly staring into dead space. She plays a game and turns the volume up to drown out everything else in her atmosphere including Alan. He looked perplexed and she wanted to reach out and just hold him tight, but she was weak and didn't want to come off strong because she was unsure of how he felt. She covers up her insecurities by being apathetic and distant.
"I gotta go," she says bolting out of his bed, gathering herself and her belongings.
"Wait why? I thought we were having a good time," Alan said, now looking unsure and confused.
Yeah a good time is what I've only been. She was hijacked with old memories of past relationships rushing at her, like the tears, as she shuts them out.
She wrapped it up with, "I'll see you tomorrow in class k?" Getting out of there and in the comfort of her lonesome self was what she needed because no one needs to be a witness to the mess that was about to unfold...
